Giano: Viewing the world

Life has made me experience a lot of things,

a few of them perhaps to have prepared me for the recent rush of emotion,

for the collapse of personality, and the utmost lost of desire for life itself.

its cliche that some songs tell us, we might even kid ourselves that when we do

come into a similar cross road, you wouldnt be as stupid or as dramatic.

but rationality gets thrown out the window, especially when it concerns a

persons heart, I guess there is no greater ride than the feeling of having loved

and sinking into it, brought back to a realization that perhaps maybe not forever

or maybe not even a couple of years more.

“say its true, theres nothing like me and you, I’m not alone, tell me you feel it too.”

do you? still?

“cause I have fallen in love with you, no never have, never gonna stop falling in love with you”

and I guess I havent at all.

“and I would runaway, I would runaway with you.”

I want to, I wish to, shoot the stars if I had to, but im left alone

You’ve Runaway.

October 20-25, 2008.
Ateneo de Davao University

twas a week of splendor, of heart breaks and of little triumphs.

Debate has been my alternate life, its given me the chance to discover myself in a different form, sometimes unavoidably, it also has extended much to what I really am, to the person that I have become now.

I remember my first encounter with it was the senior year of high school, I was not the “pick” I was merely spectating, how my peers engaged in tough speeches, I was enthralled; moved, and perhaps even rushed with wonder.

after five long years of debating, of training, of going through the ups and down, Ive come up to this point, where in the flashes of victory and defeat come gashing through outward, recollecting every ounce of opportunity, of step, of choice that I had to go through, that we have to go through in quests of becoming better.

there is no triumph so little or large, before this my quest was simply to prove myself; that I am worthy of respect, and now I commit to that little of goals, to that little of sacrifice.

Finally, a long wait.

in what form it has taken,

to be recognized.

a Champion.

there I was, pushed towards the corner. what can one do when all he has is the simple wish for you to be happy.

you, who came in, like a bright light that cast.

you, who defined, who created, this image, this promise.

never would a day come will I forget what you mean.

and yet.

here we stand, what you ask me now.

to break myself.

I will, just so you could be happy.

I’d never thought we’d come to this day.

when the light you cast slowly disappears.

when the promise can no longer be kept.

when happiness…

when your happiness is my only wish…

even if it takes all that is of me…

Ive given it up…  I’m broken…

I’m lost in this road to never.

not many of us get much the chance to love, love that is real, unbound and ever so often fought for. Many of us; make great lengths in search of it, moving through a rummage of pieces that look like love, feel like love, but in the end, realizing…

its not love.

my heart sings a lost song. its pieces I cannot find, the melody escapes me even.

many of us choose to love, love is a creation, it is sustained, it is chosen. which ever goes often with sacrifice.

like a song, its hymn lingers softly, like a song, it touches

when the one you choose to love leaves you,

your just not worth the sacrifice anymore.

with all things that lose, some end up found

and yet, that love hopes, to be forgiven, to come back.

and perhaps, start a new song.

there
is absolute truth in absolute justice; one of many instances i have
watched boston legal too much, but it made me reflect once again of
this question. do I believe In God? do I believe in whom? I ponder like
a religious lay, but who am I kidding, I carry no such degree for it,
But what I do carry is this profound belief in such.

absolute truth in absolute justice, justice brought about by our human
compassion, and the absolute truth that it is for that reason we carry
precedence from a limitless kindness, explained in God.

Compassion
people use different classes in faith, a good friend in mine believes
in his and deserves the same amount of respect as I in mine, Catholics
in spirit even go beyond this necessity for kindness. as many faiths
Ive observed have distinguished this same plurality for compassion and
recognition for the genuine preservation of the human spirit.

Mystified Trinity
This in contrast leads me to this distinction of faith, not of which
says who is better than the other, but how each explains the conveyance
of compassion, a mysterious and even fierce dogma that I notice
Catholic faith seems to lack clarity within its ranks is the
significance of the trinity, and my lay knowledge will try to explain
this.

The trinity is not a convection of three gods, note that Catholicism is
a Monotheist Religion, otherwise it would have definitely forfeited it,
Catholics believe in the Omnipresent and the Omnipotent God, One God
alone, however our translation of His presence is transfigured into
three personas; note that I say persona, not person.

explain, God does not have schizophrenia, God with graciousness and
compassion has made his presence felt on this Good Earth in three
figures not persons, the Omnipresent, Universal and yet distinct, the
people of the old testament witnessed God in the time of wandering,
that was His wish to do so, God in his fulfillment made into earth in
Christ, Him and He as One, not of many. this mystery figures how God
chose to. and after his Church was built yet again, chose be In Man
through his most gracious spirit.

It can be said that this mystic union is why Catholics revere to God by
professing his historic and present rule, the Father, The Son and The
Holy Spirit, existing in one not in many. for the purpose of compassion
and love for his people.

Significance
the
grace of which Catholics put their own faith into, this mystery
explains a premium in Catholicism, that faith should be respected and
tolerated, this mystery also preaches that salvation is achieved in
many ways, it is not for us to choose though, but for Him to bestow on
us,

I am born into this faith, in which this faith I shall die with,
a Lay Man in his Love.

writing this, seems hardest, my mind whirls around cluttered. I’m merely picking out detail.

When looking out to an open window, the feeling is a whim of freedom.
inside the four corners of the room, escaping away from the haphazard
toil of books and writing. before I remember, a poets escape is in his
writings, I am not one.

my right eye has been fidgeting quite
often, like a nervous tap in some ways, its beginning to be disturbing,
I am only confronted and maybe comforted by the reason thats its just
stress. something free nowadays i say to myself.

baggages have
been the flavor for this week, I am troubled emotionally, I will not
indulge in spacing it online, this blog will never do justice, however,
i may be threading on deep peril.

I snap back at the window,
perhaps my problems have become my four corners, perhaps my worries are
the haphazard toil, perhaps the nervous tap of my right eyelid reminds
me.

a poets escape is in his writings, sadly I am not one.

my window, though appealing, has shards of broken glass.
I dare not cross it, my heart may get wounded.

resting my arms, breathing deep, locked chest.

Many believe, or have this notion of how the Catholic Faith works, that its creed and mission distinctively advocate for the unbound and universal church under Roman Catholicism.

However this is to paint the Catholic Faith in a bad light, contrary to previous religious zeal and with respect to the councils and also with respect to the clout and bad history the church has gone through (witch hunts and crusades). This Operative Idea of what the Church stands for is clearly uncalled.

for many, within this respected nomination, The Catholic Faith, as much as it preaches the Singularity of the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, (Catholic meaning Universal ) the church also holds true to the indefinite capacity of God, that through the Holy Spirit ( the Spirit that moves the faith ) it has also interacted with other churches to bring mankind to salvation.

therefore, it assumes this mediated role. this peaced set of umbrella.

Catholics are called upon in spirit and in practice to encompass and embody Christs mission of mercy. this utmost desire to spread this concept of mercy is to enhance mans capacity for salvation, which involves the physical capacity of man and the intelligible capacity. that precisely the reason why through bodies like the Jesuits, the mission has been to educate man.

however it is conceded, that what others accuse of as post-inability to accept the changes of the concepts of what is right and wrong have mired this Faiths Advocacy to preach what it think is right in terms of Women and of Choice.

this constant battle and tug-of-war with dogma has in more than one way staunched the Catholics inability to say it is rationale.

However, we tend to forget, that Catholicism through constant dialouge vis-a-vis previous Councils of Reform(Nicea,Vatican I, Vatican II) have shown its ability to address issues of society with sound reason. of course as many other faiths held in deep pillars, this is to say it has done with expediency.

Catholics might never agree with the absolute concept of abortion. perhaps in the concept of the preservation of life it can, but it does so also in the foresight of what mans concept of offspring be taken for. I will not run this entirety of an argument, but for the Catholic Faith, to accept in absolute a persons right to choice, with regards to how choices also affect others, more so their offspring.

this is to say, the Church has done its great part at protection. and continued vigilance for the sake of its followers, and for the sake of what its values are made for.

we can always criticize this faith, as much as we criticize other faiths, or even our own, it comes at a troubled time. people are vying for religion with convenience, or no religion at all.

I will not crusade against this. the aspect of choice differs from across religions, right now I am resigned to the idea that the Catholic Faith has evolved, its masks of crusades have been drifted away, its mission is to unite the citizens towards salvation, with every amount of respect to individual zeal.

-servant of the Faith- gian

Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.

Pope John Paul II

Attempting to free myself of this brimming emotion, I crease the callous thats starting to grow on edges.

I gaze upon a kindled box.  Its flame is only starting.

I can see its spark slowly consume it.

The paper edges are torn apart. it looked strong before.
but it would be ash soon.

I feel it closer now.

like a dagger, the blade splits apart sorrow and belonging.
who can save me now, I rest on who can.

broad strokes of pain, there is a deep shade of sorrow beneath it,
each casts a loosened grip of what was,

why do we get closer when its almost over?
the colors lose hue, reminds you of how grained and lucid it would be,

it gets to remember now, when canvass spaces you away,

will i find solace?

theres just only one…

There it was, Championship Round, The Finals. Our team was pegged up, we were doing Opening Opposition.

No I wasn’t nervous, nor was I shrieked. I was excited, too excited, my
mind was racing all over, my speeches were marking across every corner
of my mind.

what line to deliver, what statement to conclude, what argument to dish out,

I waited, so anxious I slipped my pen each time tried to get it out of my right pocket.

"I think I’ll pee… the round hasn’t started yet"

and so I went across the nearest restroom of the grandiose banquet hall
of the tournament, like we sort of do a lot of time, debaters pee ever
so often before debates.

no matter how many times you’ve debated, a finals round always feels
like the first time, or maybe this is just because I’ve been to so few,
three actually…

and so left unnoticed I went to the back, relieved a little bit of stress as my momentum was building up…

as I washing my hands and as I glanced upon the mirror wall, I paused, looked at a reflection,

"am I ready? can this be the time for me?"

I’m in quest to be part of that Hall, in someways I’ve already gained
respect from my peers, although I’ve never really actually credited
myself that much, I tend to downplay the fact that I still do not have
a belt under me…

"is this really important?"

well people do crazy things, I guess if it really doesn’t matter, I’m
sure agonizing myself of this ordeal, but I cant help but realize that
this is as painlessly stupid as it could get…

and then a smile…

"I’m ready, its time, its my time"

and so I walked passed the hall, oblivious of the crowd that I passed
by, I was to focused, If a train hit me that time, I wouldn’t have felt
a single pain.

my mind pierced across the room, It was time for greatness, Seven
People poised to do the same, But I have to be the one that rises.

and then…

"We Now Invite the Member of Government to start the debate for the closing half"

my mind shook, whats this… thats like, it means, my turn has already passed.

greatness slipped, moment unnoticed,

I missed a chance?

But How?

"Its not possible, you cant start a debate with one person missing"

I tracked to the stage, asked my partner what had happened, I was about to pop his head…

"we started without You…" he replied

the room suddenly felt small…

my focus turned to anguish, this had meant something to me…

logic went up on me.. "this can’t be possible, how could you skip a position?"

all teams agreed, it seems as if I went to the restroom far too long than the usual.

"HOW?" this is like the first of many firsts, skipping a position, letting a team debate incompletely,

we’d surely lose, and I already missed my chance…

I cussed suddenly, unaware of the event, I went into a rage inside, my
mind went spiral, I was thinking of damaging chairs, tables, people.

this meant something… "why couldn’t they have waited… why?"

- then I heard a sound, it was beeping-

a bomb? my chance… it could rid me of this horrid event, erase this sloped memory,

keep me for what I was, and just borrow on the what ifs and maybes of my career.

-the beeping started to get louder-

"what is it?"

-the sound went pass my ear, it was louder, too loud, it became annoying, -

"what?"

I closed my eyes, covered my ears, I lost all focus, all consciousness of the people around me…

I just wanted to be a champion…

-then  I opened them-

I saw a ceiling, I was laying down..
maybe I lost consciousness…

"Is it over?" inside I shook..

-the ceiling was familiar-

this Isn’t the banquet…

-looked around-

*sigh* what a terribly sweet dream…

I NEED TO BE A CHAMPION…
I WANT TO BE A CHAMPION…
I WILL BE…

-days away, I’m preparing for this turn-